Sport, like life, is hard. Sport can be so beautiful, so empowering and so elevating. Sport can also be so gut wrenching, so heartbreaking and so cruel.
Our ride home from State last night was pretty quiet. I didn’t say much (not easy for me), but just sat with Kamiah and her frustration and disappointment—she was stoked about her team’s win, sad about her senior swimmers departure, and discouraged by her individual performance.
Today, I sat down to write her a text. It turned into a real, Love, Dad, note/letter. A daddy manifesto of sorts.
I hope sharing this adds value, makes people think, while uplifting and inspiring anyone out there who may be in the thick of it—or any parents out there supporting and loving hard on kids who are dreaming big dreams and putting in the work.
WNbL, mwl
Hi, Kamiah!
I just wanted to write you this morning, because I know you’ve been hurting.
Remember, champions aren’t defined by their moments at the top (and you’ve had a lot of moments at the top over the last 18 months). It’s about how they comeback, it’s how they bounce forward and persevere through adversity. It’s how they keep showing up and keep finding the audacity from within to believe in themselves, despite what the results, splits, coaches, competitors or people say.
Also remember, setbacks are part of the progress. It’s about mental endurance. It’s about the LONG haul. It’s about fortitude. It’s about showing up and winning the day. It’s about working through the frustrations. It’s about acceptance of where we are at in the moment, but not giving in or giving up, remaining a fighter out there.
It’s also about finding joy. It’s about being love. It’s about being grateful. It’s about expressing love and gratitude for those who are showing up for us.
It’s about giving what you can, when you can, with what you’ve got.
And the MIND fosters your best effort on any given day, regardless of your current fitness.
And it’s having faith that by doing the work, we will get somewhere. Where that is, we don’t know. Nobody knows our potential. Nobody. Not you. Not me. Not your coach. Not your trainer. Not God. But we sure as hell know that we will never tap into that full potential without digging deep and leaning in and staying true and we do that by SHOWING UP and controlling our controllables to the best of our ability every day.
And when we don’t, we give ourselves grace. We win or we grow. We win or we learn, ya.
It’s about believing in yourself (not just when things are going well, but when things are tough—that’s what it looks like to Be Audacious). It’s about showing up with grace when things are hard (that’s how we learn to handle hard better) and being grateful for the good times (because lord knows, they won’t last indefinitely).
It’s knowing where you were just five months ago. It’s about recognizing, wisely (it behooves us to tap into WISE MIND), that it’s still there, it hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s just not there right now, and that’s frustrating, but that’s ok. This training and these circumstances/challenges simply didn’t produce or provide the recipe for your fastest swims, for the speed and stamina you were looking for (we can’t compare ourselves to others who may have thrived under these conditions because we all have a unique and different physiology and make up). It’s a delicate balance. I truly believe you’ve been overtraining and simply not absorbing the training you’ve been doing, but rather, getting more tired with each effort and week.
So, what do we do? First, we rest and we recover. We check out. We put the phone down. And we give our mind and body a break, because I truly believe that you were overcooked and under-recovered. And then we go on some adventures—into the wild places and on the wild rivers we love. And we read a good book—keep reading. Oh, and we play some pickle ball. And we go on a Hawaii Five-O and Harry Potter marathon. We honor our self-complexity and other interests we have and we find that balance this way.
And then, when we’re feeling fresh and ready to get back to work, we adapt, we adjust, we reload. We get in the weight room, we Keep (capital K) going (if we’re still inspired, IF we are still ON A MISSION and if we still find JOY—with a capital J).
It’s head up, eyes forward, feet moving. Remembering the power of perspective.
We continue to develop a grater self-complexity, we continue to loosen the grip on how much we allow our sport and results to impact our sense of self and identity (swimming is something you do, it’s not WHO you ARE). And we focus on becoming our strongest and truest self (in and OUT of the water), which is NOT dependent upon results, wins, scholarships, or what others think. It’s easy when the results are there.
It’s when fear and frustrations and difficulty assail us that we’re tested and our true grit comes out, our true character is revealed, our true ability to persevere and grow. This is when we remain persistent and never give up—if it still matters. And we also recognize that we ALWAYS have a choice. WE are CHOOSING to do this. We are CHOOSING to get up at 4:50 every morning to head to the pool. We are choosing to go to the weight room after a hard swim. We are choosing to get on the foam roll when we want to do is chill on the couch. We are choosing to eat Daddy’s breakfast sandwich and down the smoothie when we’re tired of eggs and protein powder. We are CHOOSING to spend our weekends sitting out in the smoke and 100 degree weather. And we can just as easily choose to do something else. Time is the greatest gift we have. So it would behoove us to be thoughtful about how we choose to show up in the world. Don’t walk through the motions—that’s never going to get us to that view, that mountain top, that bend in the river.
Work on your mind—the mind is over HALF of it, my love. Just as we don’t want to blow around like trash in the wind as far as our character and what we know to be right for us, we don’t want to ebb and flow with our results and placing and times. Steady stamina wins the race—and this is a LONG endurance race that requires mental endurance and fitness.
Don’t let motivation fuel your workouts and races; find inspiration in your journey. Find what your MISSION is and then be ON A MISSION. Motivation fades and dies; it’s like a match, it simply goes out. Inspiration (becoming our strongest and truest selves), that keeps the fire ablaze and alive—it fans the flames to our inner fire.
My inspiration is being the best dad I can be for you—so even though the motivation wasn’t there yesterday when I was hurting (after a fifteen hour day and 12 hour drive, big wedding officiating gig and 6 hours of sleep in two days and a tweaked back that had me in a spot of bother), but the inspiration to be there for you and for you to feel my love was there, and I showed up and just loved, and didn’t coach, or teach. Just loved. My mission. Provide you with love, goodness and stability. Parenting you is my highest calling. I won the damn the day yesterday. The day didn’t win.
The mind can’t hide our current physiology, but the mind is the difference maker, regardless of where our current speed and stamina is. Let’s keep working on a strong mindset and do our best to not let external factors (heats, A or b’ finals, or no finals, other swimmers, coaches decisions, relays, torn tech suits) steal our joy and love and passion to compete and race.
It’s never about showing up or sticking it another swimmer (well, maybe sometimes 😆, but rarely, this isn’t a good place to compete from and it sure isn’t a sustainable or happy place to compete from), but it’s about rising to the challenge and giving all you have to be your best on any given length of the pool, whether that be practice or racing—if you’re racing or pushing to make a time.
Every time you get in that lane, it’s an opportunity to race and compete and god, I love watching you race and compete. I’m sorry things didn’t go as you hoped this weekend—especially with how hard you’ve worked (I know that feels like a betrayal of your body and your effort), and that’s the unfortunate reality of sport and life. Just because you out work your competitors, or your prior self, doesn’t mean you’re going to get what you deserve or want. This is why it’s a leap of faith that takes courage and conviction and character and grit and tenacity and toughness to keep showing up and to keep racing and to keep competing and to be a deep down, in the rough waves and churning sea fighter out there. And rest assured, my love, you are a fighter.
I know your goals didn’t come to fruition this weekend, but I also know you’ve got an ethos and work ethic that always gives you a fighters chance. Remember what I said going into the weekend, “We don’t know what the speed and stamina will look like, we don’t know if you’ll PR or be on form, but you know how to race and compete. That means something.”
We don’t always get back what we put into something, it’s not always fair, or just or right or verdant. I know parents and adults will often say, “Ahh, you’ll get there, you’ll get back to your fastest times,” but that’s the easy way out; that’s just their inability to be vulnerable with us when things are challenging, truly acknowledging the hard stuff (people who do that, who meet us where we’re at, that’s a gift), so we filter the nonsense out. Because the truth is, we don’t know if we’ll get back to our fastest or beyond. We never know.
But the only shot we have of seeing our full potential—of exploring that full potential, is to show up day after day, with curiosity and with a champions mindset and a gritty, tough, attitude. It’s truly a gamble, a leap of faith. What we don’t want to do is let the cognitive dissonance part steer the ship, or not give our best, out of fear of failure or loss, falsely believing that this will somehow lesson the pain if I don’t get our desired result, because we can fall back on, “well, I didn’t really try or give my all.” This simply doesn’t work. This leads to depression and despair. That’s not winning the day. That’s not fostering our strongest and truest selves. That’s not a champions mindset. So we must become aware of that part, so we can change it.
Doing this, showing up, giving your all, doing your best, takes tremendous courage and vulnerability, and strength. You have all of this within you. I see it. I feel it. I believe it. I know it.
Remember, champions aren’t made by winning (it’s not by DOING), we become a champion by choice, by showing up and doing the work each day (by BEING). By BEING a fighter. By BEING a competitor. By BEING a racer. By BEING L O V E in the water.
This time will make you stronger. This time will make your character stronger. It’s about determination to not give up when things get hard. It’s about handling hard better, each day.
We become a champion (the best version of ourselves) by choosing to be a champion, by choosing to have a champion’s mindset, by showing up and winning the day. Day after day, stringing them together with consistency. And over time, guess what? Whether Meet Mobile or medals say it or not, you’re a fucking champion.
You are and will always be my Champion. I love you. I’m proud of you. I’m here for you. Always. Love, Dad
PS: You look badass in that tech suit! Heck, you look bad in EVERY suit.
So damn strong. 💪🏼
PPS: I loved seeing you smiling and jiving with Elizabeth before your 100 breast, with Elina and AJ, with Madeleine and Olivia, with Sierra and Dylan and Alexis. What a lift. Connection and community can lift us up and serve as a buoy when we’re treading water and struggling to stay afloat.
