We live in a world of clichés, hype, trendy speak. There’s such an emphasis on the hustle, on results, on outcomes, in part because that’s what sells books, products and podcasts. But as a writer and father, I refuse to fall victim to the noise. Words matter. And I’m not sure there is any place where words matter more than when parenting our kiddos. Being thoughtful about our words is the first—and perhaps most important—step in parenting intentionally. I’ll be honest, I don’t worry about my daughter’s grades, about her swim times, whether or not she makes a state time, whether she added or dropped time in a specific event. This stuff is all nice, but in many ways it’s just window dressing, it’s just not what we emphasize. Do I want her to do well? Of course. Do I celebrate her successes and triumphs? With fervor. I simply don’t put the emphasis on her results.
We have a saying in our house, “It’s not about the outcome, it’s about the effort.” Effort matters. Effort implies throwing yourself into something. Effort requires heart. Think about it. How often have you heard someone say, “Work hard! Work hard and you can achieve anything.” First of all, that’s simply not true. It ignores how much of life is out of our control, and therefore it can set our kids up for disappointment, even failure. Now don’t get me wrong, disappointment and failure aren’t all bad, far from it; failure and disappointment can be catalysts to growth, but only if the person experiencing the failure is equipped with the proper tools. And considering that so few of us adults are equipped with these tools (a growth mindset), why would we expect (or assume) our children come pre-programmed with this gene? The mindset that often accompanies failure (a fixed mindset) can lead to decades of poor self-talk and piece-of-shit-itis. This is where language and word choice become critical.
Are there remarkable success stories of people who rose from the depths of despair? Of course. That’s why I speak to kids about not letting their circumstances define them. But for every Oprah Winfrey, there are thousands of others feeling they are simply not “enough.” Why not change our language? Instead of “Work hard, Bobby, and you can succeed at anything,” why don’t we try, “Put in a big effort Bobby, and let’s see where it takes you.” This doesn’t take away the dream, or the reality that their chances of fulfilling their dream increases directly with the amount of energy put forth, but it puts the emphasis where it should be, where it really matters: on the effort. Does effort ensure we’ll succeed? Absolutely not, but neither does “working hard.” Working hard doesn’t require heart, we can robotically work hard, but effort requires investing ourselves, and when we invest ourselves in something, our creation, our results, really matter.
Whether it’s launching a business, writing a book, working on your marriage, stepping it up as a friend, or trying to be a better parent, effort is everything. And I can’t think of a more important gift we can give our kids than to place the emphasis where it matters most, on something they, as young people, have full control over.
Effort. Effort is everything.
WNBL, MWL